I have been having mad feelings lately, not dissimilar to my feelings 3 years ago when I had a different name and was drunk all the time and got kicked out of two places and had time to save a couple of lives, but not my own. What it is, is driving me mad because it's not quite there. This dog-like madness I get in my eyes and head, burns me like Hòa thượng Thích Quảng Đức and there is nothing I can do about it. There is no medicine for it - well, there probably is, but it's not for me. I move my body once and my spine snaps in two and I am two people and I ask my other half what I should do?
He says we should just leave our job next month and then go to France for 5 months. I say ok, I will. This is what I'm going to do, this is my decision, I needed someone else to make my decisions for me, and someone else did. I have one person I would go with, my friend I've known for 13 years, others might come, too. We said we'd do a 'Fear and Loathing' style trip to Amsterdam and kill ourselves, our actual selves, and come back one of two actualities:
1. Changed men. For the good. Proper men with enlightened attitudes and experience and happiness and whatnot;
2. Ultimate depression. The negative side is that it didn't work and we made things worse and one of us died or we just can't stand the sight of the country or each other coming back home.
I don't think the latter will happen. I don't even think the former, either. I suppose we may be enlightened, but what cynical man can find enlightenment? At least I'd be able to write the best poetry - no one reads poetry, why do I write it? The same reason I breathe.
I have recurring dreams of teeth falling out. I read a description of what this means: Anxiety of appearence and lack of power. Ok, I probably have anxiety and an inferior complex, feeling smaller than a dwarf, why would this mean I'd have to gum my way up to the top? I'm not religious, though I sometimes try to be spiritual, but I read that teeth falling out in dreams are about man putting faith in man not God. "God speaks once, yea twice in dreams" and I wish God would leave me alone, he's like an annoying child who speaks to you only when you've finally fallen asleep.
God says: Man, your teeth have fallen out.
Man says: God, go back to sleep, you are not a dentist.
"The God your God is a jealous God" because God, the bastard, cannot bear us to have the freedom in which we've chosen to have, but what freedom exists in a world where freedom is, ultimately, taken away by man?
Of course, the Chinese believe that teeth falling out is a sign of telling lies. A friend of mine told me I was a compulsive liar. I said I probably am, because it's more fun to lie than to tell the boring truth. It's like fiction. If I'm a liar then all authors are liars.
I could lie all the time until I forget what is truth. I have no idea what the truth is or what real is or what life is, I made the whole thing up. I am not real. I am no longer real because I made the whole thing up. I made you up. I must have depressed myself with making you up. Oh dear, I've forgotten, again, what was real.